Another Horizon
by Belladonna-Isabella
Summary: Mass Effect2 *spoilers* My take on the meeting between femShepard and Kaidan in Horizon and other moments in Shepard's life throughout Mass Effect 2 femShepard/Kaidan
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Mass Effect or the characters presented here. I make no profit from this, it is just for fun.

**A/N1:** Okay, this has been nagging me for quite a while. It is the way the meeting between Kaidan and female Shepard could have played out. It is based on my first play through and on the way my (Jane) Shepard would have thought and acted if she was allowed :P This is the first part of a collection of moments in that Shepard's life.

A million thanks to my beta **Lady Nightspike**.

* * *

As the Collector's ship took off, Shepard didn't know how to feel. She cursed under her breath. She sheathed holstered her weapon as she felt Garrus and Jack coming to stand on her side. On one hand, they had survived, on the other, half the colony had been abducted. Her thoughts were soon mirrored in the words of the mechanic they had found holed up in a building earlier.

"No! Don't let them get away!" he yelled, his eyes glued to the rising form. Within seconds the ship had completely vanished.

"There is nothing more we can do. They're gone," Shepard protested. Though her feelings were in turmoil, she understood the reality facing them. Those people were lost, perhaps forever.

However, the mechanic couldn't accept it. "Half of the colony is in there. They took Egan and Sam and...and Lilith. Do something!"

She looked away, "I didn't want it to end this way."

"You did what you could Shepard." It was Garrus that spoke. His tone was assuring and he was looking critically at the man. He understood that he was grieving for the loss of his friends but he had been holed up in safety while Shepard did her damnest to help the colonists.

The name seemed to grip the angry mechanic's attention as he turned his focus to the group.

"Shepard? Wait. I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

No sooner had he had finished speaking, another voice was heard.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." A figure emerged from the mechanic's right. It was a man Shepard knew too well.

Kaidan Alenko.

Jack, who up until now had been gazing around dully, made a move to grab her gun but Garrus stopped her with a nod.

For a moment, Shepard was too overwhelmed by emotions to move or speak. She had longed to see him ever since her awakening in that Cerberus facility. When she had learnt that he was on Horizon, during the Illusive Man's briefing, hope of their reunion had blossomed within her. When they actually reached the colony, saw how bad the situation was and talked with Delan, who confirmed Kaidan's presence in the area, she could but hope that he wasn't among those kidnapped. Seeing him in the flesh, alive and well, she felt a wave of relief wash up on her.

"You are in the presence of a legend Delan…and a ghost." He said, addressing the mechanic, before he turned towards Shepard, facing her fully for the first time in two years.

She could swear she heard a note of reproach on that last word. That surprised her, but she was too busy staring at him, taking in every detail. She immediately noted that he looked older, more burdened. He had a few more tiny wrinkles around his eyes and his mouth and he had a hint of dark circles, due to lack of sleep no doubt. He must still have some headaches, she mused. Other than that he looked good and in Shepard's eyes, he looked more handsome than ever. That thought was enough to make the tiniest of smiles appeared on her face.

Delan looked less than impressed by Kaidan's declaration, but even more, he seemed disappointed by his presence.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures," he threw his arms in the air. The motion made apparent his anger which was intertwined with sadness as both sentiments were clearly written on his face.

"Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types," he said as he turned heel and walked away.

Kaidan approached Shepard. For a moment he seemed uncertain, confused, but after a brief hesitation he reached out and embraced her tightly. Shepard was as eager as he for this contact. She allowed herself to get lost in his arms. All the emotions she had put aside, in a corner of her mind, from the moment she had woken up in that medical bay, came rushing back. The love, the longing, the passion and the sadness. All the memories of their short time together flashed inside her mind, more vivid than ever. Suddenly, she realized that she wasn't clinging to a memory, as she had feared. She was still in love with him. Two years being dead hadn't altered that in the slightest. But a moment never lasts, so before she realized it, she was once again the soldier. Putting the barriers back up, adopting once again her firm posture, she withdrew from the embrace and looked at her former lieutenant.

With the corner of her eye, she noted that Garrus was looking around, a bit uncomfortably, while Jack was moving towards one of the crates. She saw the biotic, effortlessly, jumped on it and sat down, looking bored and uninterested.

"I thought you were dead Shepard. We all did," Kaidan spoke, bringing her attention back to him.

She smiled, but felt a bit awkward.

"It's been too long Kaidan. How have you been?" she said, trying to act casually.

Her effort didn't seem to go down well with him.

"That's all you have to say?" he questioned, a frown appeared on his face. He was obviously angry, "you show up after two years and act like nothing happened? I thought we had something Shepard. Something real. I...I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Shepard was a bit taken back, a bit puzzled by his words. Deciding that he had probably learnt that she had seen Anderson in the Citadel but she hadn't contacted him, she shook her head in regret.

"I am sorry Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."

His frown deepened, "I did move on."

If not for her training, Shepard would have gasped at his words. Even though she had thought herself mentally prepared for such a possibility, it was still difficult to have him confirm it.

He started pacing in front of her, confusion coloring his voice. " At least I thought I did..."he shook his head a bit erratically before turning once again to look at her squarely, trying to look dispassionate.

"But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

Shepard really didn't know how to react. She imagined that her face must look as Kaidan's, who tried now to appear calm but was anything but, because of the instant uptake of all these information. Shepard knew him well enough to understand that he was confused, sad and happy at the same time. More than that, she realized, he looked betrayed. When she registered his last words, surprise colored her face. How did he know about Cerberus? Reports?

It was Garrus mouthed her thoughts.

"Reports? You mean you knew?" the turian questioned.

Kaidan nodded, looking at his former comrade for the first time. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next to get hit," he gestured around, at the empty clearing they were standing on.

Apart from them it really seemed empty, eerily silent, if not for their voices. A weak gust of wind that caused barely lifted some dust from the ground was the only sign of mobility aside from the group. If they hadn't seen Delan leave they would have no doubt believing that they were the only living beings in a few miles radius.

"Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy," as Kaidan continued, his voice was calm but his eyes betrayed his intense anger, frustration and disbelief. He glared at her. Shepard had never seen him in such a state. It was then that she begun to understand. She had done this to him. Her death had changed him, made him bitter and then he had learned that she was alive and he had thought that she had been alive all along and hadn't bothered to contact him. Worse, she appeared now to be working with Cerberus, an enemy they had faced together multiple times in the past. It was no wonder he reacted the way he did. What hurt her however was how badly he thought of her. Didn't he know her at all?

She briefly closed her eyes, trying to keep at bay the pain that begun to well inside of her.

"Building the defense towers is just a cover story. The Alliance sent you here to investigate me. Didn't they?" Shepard asked, looking straight into his eyes.

He averted his gaze, resuming his pacing, "I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe that the rumors were true but I never expected this." Kaidan's voice almost cracked. It was obvious he felt too many things at the same time to properly express them, so he leaned towards the easiest one, anger.

His words confirmed to Shepard that Kaidan had not known about her resurrection, despite her earlier assumption. It didn't take a genius to connect the dots, the Illusive Man had leaked information on purpose, he was too careful to not notice such a security breach. He must have had a reason, but what could it have been? Shepard was certain to ask at the first opportunity.

"So that is why Anderson refused to tell me where you were," Shepard nodded, mostly talking to herself.

"You mean he knew?" he questioned, surprise written all over his face.

Garrus seemed edgy, she noted, but both her companions seemed reluctant to intrude. Jack probably didn't have a particular interest in the situation, while the turian deemed it, despite his occasional interventions, a matter to be resolved between the commander and her former lieutenant. That didn't mean that he could stay silent all the time, especially at what Kaidan was saying.

She took a deep breath. "A little after my return, I went to the Citadel at his invitation. I had a meeting with the Council. They ever reinstated me as a Spectre, as long as I keep at the outer rim. That was about the only help they were willing to give me."

She couldn't contain the note of bitterness in her voice and a look of slight disgust at the thought of the Council and their political schemes.

The man in front of her had obviously never been notified about that little incident. She could swear that she could see the screws turning inside his brain. Her words seemed to have negated his anger for the time being, so she took advantage.

"Kaidan you know me. You know I would only do this for the right reasons." She hadn't meant to sound as pleading as she did but she was hurting. She was having a lot of difficulty accepting that he thought so little of her. She hoped that it was just the anger talking, that he was just blaming her for leaving him and he was lashing out this way.

" You saw it yourself—the Collectors are targeting human colonies and they are working with the Reapers." Shepard motioned, with her right hand, around them at the empty buildings and the Collectors corpses that lay a few feet away.

Kaidan's eyes, followed the movement of her hand slowly, lingering on the dead bodies before returning to look at her face. She didn't look a day older than the last time he had seen her. As lovely as ever. The same spark shone in her eyes as the days where she was chasing down Sharen, trying to convince the Council of the threat he posed and of the existence of the Reapers. Could she really be the same woman. Had Cerberus really not turned her?

His expression was more mellow as he spoke next, "I want to believe you Shepard but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate you. What if they are behind it? What if they are working with the Collectors?"

Shepard shook her head. Cerberus was many things and she would never trust them, but the possibility of them working with the Collectors was far too improbable. Humanity and its advancement came first in their agenda. More than that, her instincts told her that the Collectors and the Reapers were the real threat now, not Cerberus. She trusted her instinct, it had not lead her astray that far and it had kept her alive through many difficult situations. and though it told her to be careful with her new "allies" it also pointed out that the Collectors and the Reapers were the great threat at the moment.

"Damn it Kaidan! You are so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat," Garrus protested, anger lacing his voice.

The turian had become more outspoken and impatient in the last two years. He had wanted to let Kaidan and Shepard talk alone but he couldn't resist the provocation that the first's words provided. How could Alenko be so stubborn and blind? wondered Garrus.

Jack let out a "tsk" of annoyance. This really was not something that concerned her but that man's attitude was getting to her nerves as well.

With an inaudible sigh, Shepard turned towards the man she had loved. The man she still loved very dearly. "You are letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts. I know what Cerberus has done more than anyone but they are with us in this. The future of humanity might be at stake. It is something that concerns everyone, even Cerberus."

"Maybe you are right. Maybe the memory of their past deeds is clouding my judgment," he nodded in acceptance, lowering his eyes for a second, before looking straight into hers "But can you honestly tell me that you don't feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you? Doesnt that little fact compromise your judgment?"

He let out a sigh. His next words were spoken with determination, pride and a hint of longing.

"I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be...I would never condone the things Cerberus has done and I would never work with them. Collector's, Reapers, I will face them as an Alliance soldier, face to face, without consorting with the lesser evil, " he paused briefly. He was disappointed by the path Shepard seemed to take. Even if deep inside he knew that it was possibly the only one. Later, when he had had time to think, perhaps he would realize it and regret his words. That however would be later, when he would have the opportunity to put his thoughts in line, when he would not be feeling so many things at the same time.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel. They will need to know what happened here."

Shepard nodded in understanding. She knew him well enough to understand that he needed time, she needed time as well. This reunion was very different from what she had imagined and the timing was less than perfect.

"So long Kaidan," she said, sadness lacing her voice.

"Goodbye Shepard," pain lacing his voice.

He turned to leave but after two steps, he stopped and turned around.

"Please be careful."

She didn't know what it was, could put her finger on it but that last phrase, the concern behind it, brought her back to the time she had lain on the medical bay of the first Normandy after the beacon of Eden Prime had almost fried her brain. For an instant, she saw Kaidan as he was then, concerned for her and blaming himself for the incident.

Kaidan resumed his path and departed.

Shepard stood motionless for a few seconds, as he walked away. She really wanted to stop him, to ask him to join her once more. They made a good team and he was one of the few people she could count on considering the circumstances.

She yearned to yell his name and have him come back. She felt that if they sat down and talked, she could convince him to come with her. They could talk about everything that happened, clear the air and even if it wasn't possible to resume their relationship, at least they could work together once more. Kaidan was a good man and a good soldier, but more importantly he was someone she could trust.

She would have prompted him to come back, if she hadn't resolved from the moment the Illusive Man had handed her the task of hunting down the Collectors, that she wouldn't drag him into such a dangerous mission again.

She wasn't blind to the realities of the world. People died. Soldiers died. Every military man or woman knew and understood the stakes when they enlisted to fight for what they believed in. Every mission, even the simplest one, could turn abruptly into a life or death situation.

Being a career officer you had to get used to losing people. You had to get used to people dying while following your orders. Shepard hadn't. It was the one thing about the entire military life that she couldn't accept. Her mind understood it, but her heart still protested against it. That was why she was always careful, always going as far as necessary to assure the survival of the people under her command.

However, even her best was not always enough. Ashley had died because of that, and Shepard couldn't forgive herself. It wasn't that she had chosen Kaidan over Ashley, even though she had already fallen in love with him—it was just the right tactic. Kaidan was the one with the bomb, so he was priority. That day, she had lost a friend and a comrade and what hurt her the most was the realization that she couldn't have saved them both no matter how hard she had tried. Despite that, she didn't blame herself any less.

Her resolve had strengthened that day. More determined than ever, she braved Ilos and every other mission set on the notion of never again leaving her people behind. Even death had not erased that determination. So, no, she wouldn't again endanger Kaidan in such a way. She and the people that the Illusive Man would suggest would have to be enough for this mission and she would see to it that they would survive it. From the moment they became her crew, they were under her protection and she would see them home in one piece after the mission.

Shepard realized, deep inside, that it was wishful thinking, but she was determined to do her best to make it reality. She was also aware that she was being selfish. She had recruited Garrus, despite the dangers of this mission, even though he was her friend. She did it because she knew that the Collectors posed a serious threat and she needed people she could rely on in the Cerberus ship. It was a weakness, but she didn't want Kaidan in that situation. She didn't want to make the same decision that she had with Ashley. Shepard wanted to keep her most important person out of this.

Moreover, the look on his face before his departure and what it had conveyed to her had made her realize that things were more complicated than she had imagined. Even if she felt inclined to push him more, to sit down with him and explain everything, to reason with him, it may not have had an effect. That look had told her something important, Kaidan blamed her for leaving him alone but he most of all blamed himself for not being able to save her. He would need a lot of time to come to terms with everything that had happened and she wasn't sure that she had that kind of time. So perhaps it was best to leave things as they were. At least for now.

"Hey Shepard! Are we getting the fuck out of here anytime soon?" Jack yelled, having descended from the crate.

The tattooed woman's voice brought her back to reality and Shepard became conscious of the fact that she had been standing immobile staring into space for quite a while.

"Are you ok Shepard?" Garrus asked looking straight into her eyes.

The concern in his voice made her feel better somewhat.

She just nodded before she activated her radio, "Joker, send a shuttle to pick us up."

They still had a mission to see through and in the meantime, she had a conversation with the Illusive Man she really wanted to have... about a leak and some rumors...

* * *

**oOoTBCoOo**

* * *

**A/N2:** Please review and tell me what you think. I revised the entire chapter and reposted the story. I would really like some feedback.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Mass Effect or the characters presented here. I make no profit from this, it is just for fun.

**A/N1:** I wrote this a while back and only now I decided to post it.

* * *

**.**

**oOo**

**.  
**

Shepard jolted up from her sleep. Her heart was pounding. Her left hand went to her throat. She was panting and there were beads of sweat on her forehead. Her eyes darted from one corner of the room to the other.

_It__ was just a nightmare._

It took a few seconds for her training to kick in. She willed herself to take a few deep breaths. Almost immediately, she felt her heart-rhythm slow down and her muscles relax.

Nightmare was not an accurate description. Memory was. When you die and then brought back, it doesn't mean that your mind and your body forget what it feels like; how painful it is to suffocate while drifting into space. The trauma doesn't just disappear.

There was no point in trying to get any further rest. Whenever she woke up so abruptly, she never could get back to sleep. Having completely calmed down, Shepard got up from the bed. She was wearing a white t-shirt and black pants. The t-shirt was soaked from her sweat. Discarding her clothes, she walked into the shower. The hot water always did wonders for her mood and it helped her think.

It wasn't the first time that she had trouble sleeping because of disturbing dreams. She had experienced quite a lengthy insomnia period after the event with the Prothean Beacon, up until her death. However, this was different. This was real, an actual experience relived through her dream. The content of the nightmare wasn't surprising; she had thought that at some point her mind would go back to that event. What was a bit puzzling was the reason it had happened now.

_Did seeing Kaidan trigger it?_

Almost immediately she shrugged, realizing that it really didn't matter. With an abrupt movement she shut the water. With a towel wrapped around her body and another on her hair, she walked back into her room.

The captain's quarters in the new Normandy were, as usual, set to provide a dim illumination. Shepard preferred it that way, it gave her a sense of calm and relaxed her somewhat.

Retrieving some casual clothes from her cabinet, she proceeded to get dressed. She noticed the time. She had come back from Illium about three hours ago.

_Only one hour of sleep. Oh well, I will have to make do._

At least her on planet missions had gone well enough and she had managed to successfully recruit two new members for her team.

As she started to dry her hair with the towel, her thoughts flew to the events of a few hours ago and her two new companions. Both had shown her how capable they were and Shepard was very glad to have them on board.

She hadn't known what to expect from a Justicar, as she had no real idea what they were. So she was happy to discover that they were honorable warriors, particularly Samara. After just a little time, she had realized that in actuality Samara was a kindred spirit.

As for Thane, he was the biggest surprise since not only he acted more like a monk than an assassin but also he had told her upon their meeting that he was terminally ill. When she had gone to see him, just minutes before she retreated to her cabin, he had explained that the disease was something genetic but that he still had a few months left. He seemed very calm, very accepting of his situation. Shepard couldn't help but admire his attitude. She had felt a strange connection to the drell. Perhaps it was the calm demeanor, perhaps it was the fact that his situation actually saddened her.

She was not oblivious to reality, Shepard realized that this mission was more likely to lead them to their deaths than not. But now that all these people were her crew, she couldn't avoid caring about them. Shepard was a good judge of character and beyond that, she had a keen understanding about the motivations of each individual.

That helped her discern the reasons behind the act and she could see that even the ice queen, Miranda, was a person with many issues and many good qualities that went beyond what she showed in general. Everyone in her crew had been picked very carefully by the Illusive Man and had proven themselves to Shepard in the battlefield. She had no doubt they would be an excellent group to have at her side as she took the fight to the Collectors.

At the same time she couldn't help but be a little amused in thinking how different, even opposing, they were. Especially Jack and Miranda. She just hoped they would stay away from each other's throats, at least until the mission was over.

Shepard was aware that everyone on her crew had issues, some more than most. She was also conscious of the fact that some of those issues should be dealt with soon or later or they could compromise the focus that each individual would require for this mission. The less distractions they had, the bigger the chance they had of surviving the trip through the Omega relay.

With her hair completely dry, she put the towels back to their place. Then, with a sigh, she sat down on her desk.

Shepard didn't exempt herself from that group. She had her own worries and concerns. In fact, one of her largest ones was currently staring her in the face. Or perhaps she was the one doing the staring.

In front of her, at her personal terminal, a message with the title "About Horizon..." had been opened. Shepard had read it carefully about three times already. She noticed that she was tapping her fingers on the desk rhythmically. She always did that when she was nervous.

.

**oOo**

.


End file.
